Maintaining Long Term Desire: Already Kinky

Most of the information out there about kink is aimed at vanilla couples. So why aren’t there more resources for couples who are already comfortably kinky?

To start, kink communities can be pretty insular. For a long time, communities kept underground due to the stigma attached to kinky, polyamorous, and authority-based relationships. The throes of beginner information has played a tremendous part in destigmatizing kink—and that’s a good thing. But we want to go beyond Kink 101., starting with a question: How do you maintain long-term satisfaction if you’re beginning to get bored, but you’re already kinky?

Consider exploring a new kink

If you’re a couple practicing kink long before anyone heard the problematic name “Christian Grey,” how do you keep the spark alive? Buy a new pair of handcuffs? Not going to work if ceiling restraints were installed years ago.

Sometimes we can get stuck in routines that then turn to ruts. Let’s say you’re super into verbal humiliation, have you explored physical aspects of kink? If you’re most used to physical kink, perhaps it’s time to explore the psychological aspect.

Maybe there’s a sexual interest you haven’t heard of, or something you’ve been interested in but haven’t shared with your partner(s) or pursued. To start, spend some time browsing through the plethora of groups on FetLife to see what peaks your interests. Then, communicate it to your partner(s), or browse together!

If there’s one thing kinky people are good at, it is creativity, so even the most experienced can be surprised and excited by what other people get into.

Keep life exciting in other ways

You’re kinky, but we are going to give some vanilla-sounding advice: consider other areas of the relationship that needs spicing up, or other forms of adventure. Sometimes kinksters can get so into their sex lives (and for good reason, they’re fabulous) that we forget about devoting time and to other forms of bonding.

When was the last time you and your partner traveled somewhere new together and refrained from social media? Went out to dinner just the two of you? Rather than focusing on the next play party, considering scheduling weekend trip.  Yes, bring your flogger and butt plug collection. Changing play locations can be a fun!

Check in with one another

When we become established in our sex lives, we can become stuck in routines in our relationships.

We may also incorrectly assume that we’re in touch with our partners’ desires and satisfaction level. Even if you consistently check in with your partner before and during scenes and practice aftercare, it can be helpful to sit down and see how the other is doing.

If you’re monogamous, are they continuing to want monogamy? Interested in opening up the relationship? Regardless of your relationship format, how are they feeling about your current level of intimacy? Do you have enough time together? Are there any new or recent fantasies they have?

Go back to the beginning

Do you remember why you first fell for one another?

For kinky couples, returning to the first few scenes you had together might elicit those memories. Perhaps you’ve mastered the single-tail whip, but when was the last time you enjoyed some simple spanking? Are there sex toys that you haven’t used in ages, now that you make more money and have moved on from small silicone anal beads to horse-tailed butt plugs?

Some couples return to the place they first had dinner, or where they were when someone said, “I love you.”

Yes, that might mean going back to the kink event you first met at, and breaking out the very first butt plug shared together.

Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Collective (G&STC). For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.