When we gain intimacy and comfort with a partner, we also commonly lose sexual desire.
We want to cuddle. Stay in for the night. We feel safe, but our bodies get confused about the relationship. We might start to wonder: is this only a deep friendship? A type of familial bond, and not a sexual one?
We can remind our bodies and sexual responses that the relationship can still be sexual.. Sex with this person is OK, and sex can come with safety and comfort. We don’t have to have one or the other.
Sometimes we have to re-discover someone as new, exciting, and unfamiliar. Below are some ideas that you and your partner(s) can try tonight to reignite that spark and bring more sexual creativity into your relationship(s).
Make a sex date, but don’t have sex.
Hear me out! On this date, go outside the house, the comfort of your bed and the normalcy of your space and just talk about sex. So often we forget that one of the hottest things to do is not have sex and just talk about it. Describe your latest fantasies. Discuss a sexual experience you had together in detail and talk about what made it so good.
Fill out a Yes/No/Maybe list!
This list has a bunch of different sexual experiences and a box for yes, no, or maybe. Fill it out without your partner and then compare notes.(do this on your sex date!). We like this list because it’s not super gendered and you can add your own: https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/yes-no-maybe-list-of-sexual-kinks
Go to a sex toy store, buy something new, go home, and try it.
New is exciting. Newness gets our heart rate up and takes us out of our routine or sexual script we usually follow.
Sexting is not just for hook-ups or new dates. Sext your long term partner! Send them nudes! Record yourself masturbating and send it to them! Anything we did (or wished we did) at the start of relationships to show the person(s) we want them so badly is something we can incorporate later on..
Change the scenery.
Have sex or do something sexual somewhere new! Rent a hotel room, an Air BNB, or swap houses with a friend for the night. When we are out of our comfort zones, our bodies can interpret it as new and exciting. Get away from that stack of bills or pile of laundry at home.
If it’s hard to get connected, even with these tips, it is always a good idea to seek relationship or sex therapy with your partner(s). Sometimes we need some extra help to reconnect sexually, and that’s ok!